I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
