i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
