God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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