So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
