I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
