Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
