just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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