he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
not ubering you a puppy
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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