There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
