I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
