I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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