fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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