Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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