please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
