Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
ttyl tear gas
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
