I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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