Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
