Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
