can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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