dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
