planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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