I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
