So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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