Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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