I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
