good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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