I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
