seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
