I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
