You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
