As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
