Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
