I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
