Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
Randomize
