last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
