So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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