Just fell off a train. Bad.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
