God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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