It's Friday. Sex?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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