Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
