My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
