fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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