I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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