she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
