you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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