Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
