i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
