If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
