you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
