so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
