my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
