I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
