dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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