I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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