shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
